LI’L TEARS IN THE DARK

May 25, 2006. 3.23 am : Yippie! I gave birth to a li’l man!

At the first glance, he looked so tiny and reddish, covered with blood, yet he screamed soooo loud as if he really reaaally wanted everyone to know that he had arrived at this world. Amazing! My own baby boy, wow! It’s hard to describe how I felt. It’s kind of mixed emotions of happiness, relieved, tired, afraid.. (God knows what else!) Every agony and desperate feeling I was suffered for the last 3 (almost 4) hours suddenly disappeared! I told my self – this is magic! Allah works in a mysterious way, I and my hubby were very proud to be the witness that time. Subhanallah walhamdulillah wa Laa ilaaha ilallah hirabbil alamin, Allahu akbar!

May 28, 2006. 12.48 pm : The miracle came home.

After 4 days being “the princess” at the hospital, it’s time to get back to the real world! We were home. I was so happy and still afraid if I couldn’t take good care of him the way I should. Being mom at the first time was terrifying for me. Although I had bought lots of baby books and parenting mags and I know I spent most of my time reading about how to raise a baby, there was still big questions hanging.. Will I done it correctly? What if I he sick and I didn’t know? What if I end up being a lousy mom? What if I wasn’t good enough?  That was so stressful! I began to (or shall I say) hope to began to believe that maybe – practice made perfect!

June 2006. Lots of 24 hours after : The strugle.

I love the tiny angel with all my heart and soul! Nobody can question it. (Now mark my words) for them, I bet every mom in the world would go to hell and back!  And I believe they (or should I say) – we – did. My angel was so sweet and gentle, with his cute face, soft skin and curly little hair, not to forget his nice smell has made us inseparable! He (almost) always had his own special way on picking the right time for demanding things he needs. Many times he picked my dreaming hours. He screamed and shouted, shedding his li’l tears in the middle of the dark. Those experiences may put you to a tiring and stressful condition because you still have not recovered from your birth wound yet. As for me, I even had baby blues. All of a sudden I felt tired, hopeless, felt that I wasn’t good enough, depressed, and felt that everything was wrong. I even cried for no reason at all! Lucky I had most understanding man beside me. Time goes by, I got over it and this “I’m very proud to be a mom” job – goes on.

May 10, 2008. 10.28 pm : My confession

Tonight, almost two years later (my little miracle would be two years in a couple of days), Allah made me remember about those special moment. All those “li’l tears in the dark”. My baby blues nights. Those memory made me desperately need to whisper to my mom’s ears :

“Mom, long time a go when I was just a little miracle, I might have made you went to hell and back. I’m asking for your forgiveness for all those li’l tears in the dark, love you so much!”

 

9o99y, May 10, 2008.

P.S : Don’t get me wrong now. I’m not saying that having a baby feels like hell, all I’m saying is that it surely wasn’t an easy job. I jus’t feel need to be sarcastic a li’l bit.

To y’all moms out there, you guys R magnificent!

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